It's a Guy Thing!

"QUANTUM SHOT" #350
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This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent a new material for DRB.

Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind

There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.

The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.

John’s Neck Exerciser
Patented 1936

Let’s face it – not every guy enjoys exercise. Couch potatoes, for instance. Or chubby guys. Well, even the most sedentary among us needs to maintain a modicum of neck strength – after all, we don’t want our head plopping into our bowl of chili cheese dip while we’re sprawled out on the sofa watching "Dancing With the Stars" now, do we?

Well, John’s neck exerciser is just what the doctor ordered (this particular doctor was clearly insane). John’s clever device consists of a cable (20) with a weight (21) secured to one end. The cable is attached to a helmet (1) by means of a pivoting arm (18) which allows the weight to be swung around the body of a doofus (22) who has assumed the recommended exercising posture, thumbs secured snuggly within his waist band.

A simple rhythmic rotation of the head will send the weight in motion and any pets or small children in the area to the emergency room. John’s device may also be worn at work as it’s great for keeping annoying coworkers at a distance.

Lorenzo and Libertad’s Skate Chute
Patented 1992

Lorenzo and Libertad claim that "it may be appreciated that there continues to be a need for a new and improved parachute and skate apparatus." Well, it may be, but we wouldn’t bet on it.

The concept is pretty basic: the parachute catches wind currents and propels the skater along his chosen surface so long as, our astute inventors point out, "the individual has the roller skate members worn in a manner as illustrated." That’s right, guys. While wearing your skates on your head or down the front of your pants is perfectly acceptable under most circumstances, it’s "feet only" while being dragged up and down the freeway with your scab-inducing skate chute.

Frank and Don’s Combover
Patented 1977

Common solutions to partial baldness among guys include hair weaves, transplants and hairpieces – methods deemed unacceptable by Frank and Don due to the fact they "generally cost money." So what alternative do they offer to the teeming masses of balding tightwads out there? None other than their patented triple-combover technique, that’s what. Following are Frank and Don’s complete instructions for this mesmerizing mane-management method for those follicly-challenged fellows out there who don’t want to spend another minute despondent over their desolate domes.

"To begin with the subject’s hair must be allowed to grow long enough to cover the bald area, generally about 3 to 4 inches."

"The person’s hair line 2, shown in FIGS. 1-3, and bald area 4 suggest that the hair should be divided into three equal sections, sides 6 and 8, and back 10, in starting the method of this invention."

"The second step is to take the extra hair length from the back area 10 and brushing it forward as in FIG. 4, making sure to cover all the bald area with the hair."

"By placing a hand over the hair now covering the bald area and brushing the extra length hair from either of the sides 6 or 8 the hair styling begins to cover the entire bald area. Care should be taken to brush the hair only as it lies over the hand to avoid messing up the hair under the hand. The hair should be arranged and styled at this step since it will soon be covered. To hold the hair in place, hair spray is now applied."

"To complete the hair styling the hair from the side of the head either 6 or 8, whichever has not been used, is brushed over the bald area, making sure to cover the hair now covering the bald area with a hand. This top layer of hair is also styled and coated with hair spray. By lightly sweeping the hair into the desired style as the hair spray dries, an appearance of a full head of hair is given, as in FIG. 6."

Lewis' Helicopter
Patented 1958

Yes, it's a helicopter. Yes, the operator balances precariously on a tiny platform mere inches above the whirling, Cuisinart-style blades. Yes, Lewis is a guy.

copyright Scott Seegert, September 2007

Scott Seegert is the author of "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind". For more inventions visit his website at ScottSeegert.com.

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Article by Scott Seegert, ScottSeegert.com for Dark Roasted Blend.

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