It's a Guy Thing!

"QUANTUM SHOT" #330
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This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent a new material for DRB.

Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind

There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.

The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.

John’s Basketball Trainer
Patented 1998

Basketball players spend long hours alone in the gym developing their shooting skills. The problem, as John sees it, is that "individual practice sessions cannot provide adequate preparation for "real game" situations, when no opposing player is available to practice against." Well, thanks to John’s Basketball Trainer a player may now prepare himself to shoot effectively while being guarded by an opponent, provided that opponent is a stationary cardboard doofus who bears a striking resemblance to Larry Bird with a cranial growth disorder.

Aside from the bad haircut, John’s Trainer provides further distraction by means of a pneumatic forearm-elongation feature that is activated by jumping onto a rubber bladder (11), which forces air up through a system of tubing (14) to the arms. The end result is an easily storable, lightweight training aid that, eerily enough, really does approximate the defense played by Larry Bird in his heyday.

Bob’s Rod Holder
Patented 1961

For years the typical guy faced an unfortunate dilemma: the only way he could maintain his rod in a desirable upright position was to grasp it firmly with both hands. This required tremendous concentration and stamina and, the second he loosened his grip, that rod would droop significantly, making it virtually impossible for him to land anything worthwhile. This was a source of great embarrassment and shame for many guys.

Bob’s device changed all that. That guy is now able to keep his rod up and at the ready for hours at a time. Thanks to Bob, he has the confidence to strut proudly up and down the pier – ready to leap into action at the first sign of a tug or nibble - while men and women alike gaze upon his equipment with a mixture of astonishment and admiration.

Francis' Human Free-Flight Amusement Devices
Patented in 1984

If there's one thing guys look for in a voluntary entertainment activity it's the possibility of sustaining significant injury, and what better way to achieve that than by being jettisoned through the air toward an obviously undersized airbag while wearing no safety equipment whatsoever? Well, you could remove the airbag, but we’re not here to quibble.

Francis describes multiple variations of his design, which he claims enable the user to experience "the sensation of weightlessness" (not to mention brainlessness). In describing his concepts in guy-heaving, Francis states, "A person is launched into a parabolic free flight trajectory by a pneumatic-powered accelerating device. The person is then caught and safely decelerated by a retriever." No hold on – there’s no need to panic, guys. We're fairly certain the term "safely" was only thrown in there by Francis in case the patent examiner happened to be a woman. There's clearly plenty of serious damage to be sustained, here. "It is obvious", says Francis, "that accelerating people into the air by machine in an inadequately controlled manner could be highly dangerous." That’s what we’re counting on, Francis. That’s exactly what we’re counting on.

Dale’s Party Shirt
Patented 1991

Are you a guy who has a difficult time communicating with members of the opposite sex, including women? Do you become so overwrought with anxiety that you find it impossible to convey even the most basic personal information, such as what you’re in the mood for?

Well, Dale has just the item for you. Let those gals find out for themselves what you’re all about when you wear the informative, interactive Party Shirt, a garment packed with useful features including, according to Dale, "a waist opening, a neck opening and sleeve openings." Every shirt design should be so well thought out.

Although the shirt can be designed to say virtually anything, the "I’M IN THE MOOD FOR:" line is by far Dale’s most popular. Besides the classic "PARTYIN’", other available messages include "NASAL DECONGESTANT", "RIDICULE" and "SPENDING SATURDAY NIGHT ALONE IN MY PARENTS’ BASEMENT REFORMATTING MY HARD DRIVE"

copyright Scott Seegert, September 2007

Scott Seegert is the author of "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind". For more inventions visit his website at ScottSeegert.com.

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Article by Scott Seegert, ScottSeegert.com for Dark Roasted Blend.

(want to become our contributing writer? email us, see guidelines here)

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