It's a Guy Thing! - Weird Inventions

"QUANTUM SHOT" #241
Article by Scott Seegert

This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. The inventions featured here were taken from a book "It's a Guy Thing" by Scott Seegert.
Make sure to check out all 10 parts of this series! ->


Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind

There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.

The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.

George’s Golf Practice Apparatus
(Patented 1956)



Every guy knows that the length of his drive is directly proportional to the length of a specific anatomical member which, for the sake of being discrete, we shall refer to as "Mr. Johnson". Suffice it to say nobody wants to hit a limp dribbler up the fairway. This explains why the typical guy will spend up to 83% of his pre-tax income on assorted equipment that promises to improve his golf swing.

Well, the best of this equipment, as determined by total weight, is George’s revolutionary Golf Practice Apparatus (GPA), a device once described by Rube Goldberg as being "a bit complicated". The GPA will allow any run of the mill guy to increase the length of his Johnson - err, drive - right in the comfort of his very own structurally reinforced den or recreation room. For those interested, the GPA comes unassembled, and all that you’ll require to put it together is a 3/4-inch box wrench, an acetylene torch, and Stephen Hawking. Once assembled, simply lubricate it twice daily at points 1 through 203, and the GPA will stand ready to offer years of faithful service.

Bill’s Inflatable Floating Furniture
(Patented 1989)

Single guy apartments have horrible reputations for cleanliness. Accurate, but horrible. The details are typical - dust, mold, blood stains, dirty boxer shorts, week-old slices of pizza, the stench of old, wet gym shoes…and we’re just talking about the sofa. It’s not that guys enjoy living in filth, it’s just that cleaning takes effort while involving very little risk of personal injury. So where’s the incentive?



What guys need is a virtually effort-free method of keeping their places tidy, and Bill’s Inflatable Floating Furniture offers exactly that. All you have to do to clean up, and we feel almost any guy can do this, is get up. It’s as easy as rolling out of bed in the morning... literally. Bill’s mattresses, sofas, chairs and tables are filled with helium and rise to the ceiling when not in use, transforming that apartment from a pigsty into a scaled-down version of the Macy’s Home Furnishings Department Thanksgiving Day Parade. A handy tether allows the furniture to be pulled down and used as necessary.

Although Bill’s technology does not yet apply to such items as dirty dishes, moldy shower curtains and individual dirt molecules (we assume he’s working on it), we believe his furniture is an excellent start. We would also, on behalf of guys everywhere, like to applaud him on his use of the phrase "gaseous substance" thirty-three times in the official description of his invention. Well done, Bill.

Albert’s Helmet-Mounted Pistol
(Patented 1953)



For the guy who likes to hunt, but must carry a beer AND a bratwurst at all times.

Gordon’s Pogo Stick
(Patented 1958)



A childhood favorite, the pogo stick gradually loses it’s entertainment value for guys as they grow too large to seriously injure themselves while riding it. Gordon’s solution? The addition of a self-contained, on-board, combustible-gas-powered engine.

Tom’s Insect Exerciser
(Patented 1988)



One guy’s solution to an often overlooked issue – the gradual decline in physical fitness of our burgeoning insect population.

Harry’s Homocopter
(Patented 1977)



No, it can’t possibly work, but that didn’t stop Harry from developing this solution to what he calls the “now-a-days public transportation problem.”

"Mommy! Mommy! I see Daddy! He’s almost home!"

…fwak-a-fwak-a-fwak-a-fwak…

"Over here, Daddy! Land over here by me!"

…FWAK-A-FWAK-A-FWAK-A-FWAK…

"Wait, Daddy, not that close! Watch out, Daddy, you’re gonna…

…FWAK-A-FWAK-A-ZZZZZZZZZZRRRGGGGGGH-FWAK-A-FWAK-A-FWAK

Read more about these and many other ridiculous but real "guy" inventions in "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" from Three Rivers Press, a Random House Imprint. Learn more about the book at ScottSeegert.com.



Buy this book at Amazon!



Article by Scott Seegert, ScottSeegert.com for Dark Roasted Blend.

(want to become our contributing writer? email us, see guidelines here)





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