It's a Guy Thing!

"QUANTUM SHOT" #290
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This article is written by our contributing writer Scott Seegert (his site) for Dark Roasted Blend. He is the author of "It's a Guy Thing - Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind" (Random House). The inventions featured in this article are NOT included in the book and represent an exclusive material for DRB.

Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind

There are over 7 million patents registered in the United States, a great number of which describe practical inventions designed for use by everyday, ordinary human beings. Then there's the "guy" stuff, ideas so lunkheaded and irrational they could only have come from that tiny portion of a guy's brain not dedicated to scratching himself.

The following inventions have received actual patents from the United States government - proof positive that heavy drinking is not being discouraged at the patent and trademark office. The illustrations are those submitted by the inventors themselves, whose surnames have been withheld as an act of mercy.

1. Nicholas’s Portable Rotisserie Tanner
Patented 1954

In terms of achieving an even, full body tan, Nicholas was not satisfied with the status quo which, he says, made it necessary for a person to assume "various awkward and tiresome positions" while sunning himself. So he set about to create a device that would replace the word "various" with "tremendously" in the quote above. It appears he’s succeeded.

Nicholas’s contraption rotates its occupant from front to back by means of either an electric motor or a ratcheting foot pedal mechanism. He says the supporting straps and chords can be unhooked as necessary in order to achieve a stripe free tan, although it appears those on the backside would present a bit of a problem while lying face down. Even so, it sure beats the heck out of rolling over on a blanket.

Nicholas insists that his largely metallic tanning apparatus is portable, which technically is true seeing that, similar to Kirstie Alley, it would be possible to relocate it if powerful enough construction equipment was available. So grab an extension cord, a front end loader and Nicholas’s Portable Rotisserie Tanner and head to the beach – let’s just see some bully try and kick sand in your face when that face is suspended 4 ½ feet in the air.

2. Samuil’s Vomit Urinal
Patented 1998

A staggering amount of guy brainpower has been spent in the area of regurgitation. Unfortunately, most of it has been directed toward coming up with neat new terms to describe it, such as spewing, heaving, ralphing, retching, puking, barfing, gagging, hacking, yakking, yorking, horking, losing your lunch and driving the porcelain bus. I think we can all agree this has been time well spent.

I think we can also agree that it’s time to move in other directions, such as making the act of bellyblowing a more comfortable and hygienic process for the guy involved. Enter Samuil and his visionary Vomit Urinal, a device he trumpets as "a convenient place for a person to throw up." Samuil's appliance is mounted knee-sparingly high on the wall and equipped with a pair of handles to help the soon-to-be-expectorating retain his balance. This state-of-the-art regurgitation receptacle has a large opening that is "dimensioned for a user’s face to be placed therein for vomiting" as well as a motion sensor light that, Samuil explains, "will aid the user in seeing the large opening and prevent any messy situations."

The mounting height also ensures that inebriated bar patrons won’t mistake Samuil’s unit for a standard urinal, but we still recommend you avoid using it in any establishment frequented by Shaquille O’Neal.

3. Anthony’s Skull-Mounted Hairpiece
Patented 1997

Hey, all you follicly-challenged guys out there. Are you tired of having that hairpiece fly off your head at inopportune moments, such as any time you’re within visual range of another human being? Well, Anthony has a solution that’s guaranteed to keep that rug firmly in place under all conditions up to and including the awkward mating attempts of a desperate North American beaver.

Anthony’s Skull-Mounted Hairpiece consists of numerous implants that are secured to the skull by threading them directly into the bone (36). An "abutment" is then threaded through the soft scalp tissue (38) and into the implant, creating a ball and socket joint for attaching the hairpiece (40 & 42) securely to the noggin. Anthony claims that his procedure is safe, although he does point out that "some concerns arise with respect to intrusion into the cranial vault [where, in rare cases, a guy’s brain may be located] as a result of the implant."

Anthony explains that his hair replacement system will prevent "untimely detachment…while swimming, when exposed to high winds or during intimate situations", although, all things considered, we can’t see his last point being much of an issue.

4. Reinhard’s Personal Sled
Patented 1987

During his frequent sledding excursions in upstate Washington, Reinhard noticed that folks using ordinary sleds "often experienced difficulty in remaining on such devices, and falls from such sleds have resulted in injury to the sledders." His solution? A super slick polyethylene wrap-around sledding "jacket" that simulates falling off your sled at the top of the hill and then careening uncontrollably down the slope, crotch first, at breakneck speeds.

We can certainly see this innovation resulting in the Reinhard name becoming a household word ("Holy Moly! Did you just see that guy Reinhard himself into that tree?").

copyright Scott Seegert, September 2007

Scott Seegert is the author of "IT’S A GUY THING – Awesome Innovations from the Underdeveloped Male Mind". For more inventions visit his website at ScottSeegert.com.

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Article by Scott Seegert, ScottSeegert.com for Dark Roasted Blend.

(want to become our contributing writer? email us, see guidelines here)

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